You missed a deadline, broke a promise, made the wrong decision, or let a great opportunity pass you by…

No matter who we are or what we do, at some point in our lives, we drop the ball, sometimes badly, and it doesn’t feel good.

It doesn’t feel good because we know that we had control of the outcome and, with the right mindset, commitment, and focus, we could have succeeded. That harsh reality quickly catches up with us, often leading to a sequence of remorseful feelings and emotions.

So, what happens next? How do we manage and pivot from tough mental spots like these?

Our ability to manage these situations depends on the balance between emotional response and rational thinking in our recovery process. Heredity, core values, life experiences, and environment influence our individual approach to such issues. Following a bad situation, some people may experience thinking paralysis, as remorse, regret, and guilt obstruct their ability to gain perspective and bounce back. Others may activate a self-defense mechanism that turns a negative situation into a learning opportunity, focusing on solutions rather than self-blame.

Recognizing self-blame early and treating it as a natural but transitory emotion is critical. If not controlled, self-blame can lead to rumination and long-term psychological traumas that are hard to remedy. Instead, acknowledging the situation, reflecting on it, and allowing ourselves to learn and improve can generate positive outcomes for us and our environment. This personal growth is possible only if we allow ourselves some indulgence and forgiveness.

The transition from blame to forgiveness is probably the hardest part of the recovery process. Human beliefs, traditions, and morals often inculcate that failure must be followed by penitence. Additionally, self-deceptive mental patterns, such as holding ourselves to unrealistic standards, overestimating our responsibility, and self-deprecating thinking, can impede a healthy mental transition.

For those of us who set high standards for ourselves, self-forgiveness can be particularly challenging. However, like any skill, it can and should be practiced. Self-forgiveness is not about compromising the necessary reflection after causing harm or failing. Nor is it about minimizing our responsibility. Self-forgiveness is about recognizing with humility that we are human and that learning and improvement are possible only if we value and respect ourselves.